You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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