I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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