Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
