I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
