At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
