He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
