I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
