problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
