I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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