I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
