I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
