I feel like abortions should bother me more
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
