Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
