Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
People in love make me want to vomit
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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