Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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