i will never coherently bang her
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
