I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
