It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
