is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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