I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
