I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
