Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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