i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
