i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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