he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
