I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
