hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
