My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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