matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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