I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
