guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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