halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
