i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
