Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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