plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
