why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How's work?
Spinning.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
