You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
