How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
