my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
