now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
