something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You left your phone here
Wait...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
