just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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