dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
