Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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