Soap is not a condiment
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
