Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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