not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Randomize
