i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you traded sex for a burrito?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
