Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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