As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
