Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
